Text Message from Darcy
Fuck, she just pooped on me and the bed
*Warning: this article contains shitty jokes
You really get used to just dealing with poop constantly when you become a mom. Sometimes it feels like you’re starting a new job and they’re making you do all the shitty tasks in the beginning because you’re the rookie now. This is the hazing period. Eventually you will work your way up the ladder and move into problem-solving and advice-giving, but for now, it’s all poop and other bodily stuff. It’s like nature designed babies to be super cute at first because how can you get mad at that face when they straight up poop right on you, and like, frequently too?!
I got really excited somewhere around 6-8 weeks postpartum to have a glass of wine for the first time in almost a year*. After getting baby girl to sleep, I poured my glass and went to my bed to have a little mommy time. Every night when she goes down I stay up for a few hours just to have some alone time, which on any given night may consist of snacks and a drink or two, a shower, a couple chapters in a book, some blog writing, staring at social media pages mindlessly, or anything else I feel like doing that’s quiet enough to ensure I get my mommy time. Ok, so there I was, all ready to enjoy my evening, and me, being a clumsy baboon (I was going to put baffoon but auto-correct changed it and now I like baboon better), spilled my entire glass all over my bed. Insert your choice of pissed-off/distraught emoji here. So, of course I had to change the sheets, which involved somehow moving baby girl, Rhea, to her swing without waking her (we co-slept**), getting the sheets off, rinsed, and ready to go into the wash first thing in the morning, and so on… by the time I had my new set of clean sheets on and a sleeping baby after soothing her back to sleep after she woke up crying of course, I didn’t even want that glass of wine. Eye-roll.
I know what you're thinking, wasn’t this article supposed to be about poop? Yes, don’t worry, it’s building up to it. A couple days later, I get Rhea back from spending a few hours with my mom. My mom is so amazing and such an angel/life-saver and I could not have done this whole raising-a-baby thing without her, however, she’s not perfect and one of her flaws at being a grandma is the way she fastens Rhea’s diaper (I call this and her other grandma quirks “Nonna-style”). She thinks that diapers are supposed to fit like the comfy pjs you wear after Thanksgiving dinner. She just can’t bring herself to make them form-fitting, let alone tight. I wasn’t going to let this bother me too much, since her time with her is so invaluable to me and Rhea, so I just developed a habit of checking Rhea’s diaper every time I got her back and re-fastening it. This method started after the first few blow-outs. There’s always the exception, though. It’s always when you think you're safe and get lazy about routines when the shit hits the fan. I had Rhea in my lap and of course it happened to be the one-time in the previous week or so that I forgot to re-check the Diap. Another thing Nonna does often is send her back over without her onesies on (they get dirty or she simply wants to encourage more nakie-time). Again, rookie mistake; I let it slide. Well Rhea poops pretty often immediately following a feed and so this one went up and over the back of the diaper. I was minding my own business, texting on my phone while she was nursing on my boob, when all of a sudden I felt the hot liquid on my legs. What a load of crap! Here we go again, needing to change the sheets and the bottom mattress topper. This time it wasn’t as easy, seeing as how I couldn’t just do a quick switcharoo, because first I had to get Rhea in the bath and clean her, change her, then take a shower myself, etc. Total B.S. (baby shit)!
Fast forward to the text message, “Fuck, Rhea just pooped on me and the bed.” Long story short, that wasn’t even during that time. It was about 8 times after the first incident. I was accustomed to this way of life now. You’d think I’d learn to just keep her in clothes and triple-check her diaper every time I change her to make sure it’s the right level of tightness, but somehow it always slips through the crack.
To summarize; I really have the cleanest sheets nowadays (because I’m changing them every other day), I have the best mom and Nonna to my daughter (even if I have to clean a little extra now and then), and being a mom is the shittiest and best thing I’ve ever experienced. Of course I will wrap this up with a wonderful motto to remember: Shit Happens.
Song of the day: “Good Shit Happens” by Michael Franti & Spearhead
What I’m drinking and snacking on tonight: Parducci Pinot Noir & Pamela’s Gluten-Free Double Chocolate Chunk cookies
Use a mug & ditch the fancy wine glass. They are sturdier and not top-heavy, making spillage less likely.
Wine in mini cans & bottles. I discovered this was the best option for me while breastfeeding, after throwing out (for the first time in my life) the last glass of wine from every bottle because I couldn’t drink it fast enough. This way I could have just one at a time. Although the connoisseur in me was judging..
*Please do your own research and assess your own limits on drinking alcohol while breastfeeding, as I did mine. La Leche League is a good source.
**Again, I encourage you to do your own research on co-sleeping/co-sleeping and drinking alcohol if you plan to do so. Many cultures have ancient traditions of co-sleeping and it can have many benefits but there are studies that show drinking alcohol while co-sleeping can be unsafe.